IGNOMINY ON PARADE

HOUSEGUEST FROM HELL AWARD To U.S. Vice President Al Gore. During the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum in Kuala Lumpur, Gore lauded the "brave people of Malaysia" who agitated for political reform and for the resignation of Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad. Gore's remarks came during an official dinner hosted by Mahathir. "I've never seen anybody so rude," Mahathir huffed.

FIRST RUNNER-UP Jiang Zemin, who made his first diplomatic visit to Japan historic in more ways than one. China's president insisted on a written apology for Japan's World War II invasion of China, despite several expressions of regret and remorse offered by Japanese leaders in the past. No document was proffered, so in speeches Jiang repeatedly revisited Japan's shameful treatment of mainlanders.

TELLING IT STRAIGHT AWARD To Philippine President Joseph Ejercito Estrada, for his introspective observation concerning U.S. President Bill Clinton's damaging affair with a White House intern: "Clinton gets all the scandal, I get all the sex."

LET THEM EAT ZIP AWARD To Indonesia President B.J. Habibie, whose suggestion for dealing with the country's severe rice shortage exhibited a level of disengagement rarely seen in those not among the French aristocracy. Habibie recommended that all Indonesians adopt his religious ritual of twice-a-week fasting. The goal was to reduce the country's dependence on imported rice, but impoverished Indonesians, in callous disregard of trade deficits, had rather a different goal in mind: not starving.

P.T. BARNUM MEDAL FOR MARKETING VISION To NTT Mobile Communications Network president Tachikawa Keiji, who wants to equip dogs, cats, bicycles and vending machines with cellular phones. Tachikawa told journalists at the Foreign Correspondents Club of Japan that household pets need to keep in touch too. "Depending upon how your dog barks, you could tell whether it is in an emergency or not," said Tachikawa, who when young may have watched too many "Lassie" episodes. Japan's wellspring of potential human customers is going dry, Tachikawa explained, so to maintain revenue growth mobile phone companies "have to target everything that moves." Members of the Diet will no doubt be considered a lower marketing priority than vending machines.

FRONTIERS OF SCIENCE BLUE RIBBON To Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad, who advanced human cloning when he said he wanted his deputy to be "an exact replica of myself." Mahathir needs to replace former deputy PM Anwar Ibrahim, who parted ways with his old boss and is now in jail. "The main thing is that the policies are followed - not so much the personalities," Mahathir said of his selection criteria. If a dutiful follower is the main qualification, Dolly the sheep is available.

DAY OF THE LOCUSTS TROPHY To Hong Kong's commission-starved property agents, who swarmed the taxis and mini-buses of prospective homebuyers as they pulled up to view a new housing complex. Menacing sales techniques, apparently borrowed from a Triad gang business manual, turned the open house into a riot as dozens of agents punched, gouged, and shoved each other to get first crack at frightened customers. Witnesses said the inaugural fight broke out when some 50 agents surrounded a taxi and tried to corner its lone passenger. Police later erected metal fences to separate rival real estate agencies.

MONOPOLY? ISN'T THAT A BOARD GAME? AWARD To Billionaire Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft Corp. Undeterred by government accusations that it bullies competitors in the U.S., Microsoft attempted to buy most of South Korea's software industry for small change by investing in nearly bankrupt Hangul & Computer Co. In exchange for $20 million, Microsoft required the Korean company to eliminate its word processor program, the most popular domestic software in the country - thus bulldozing a clear path to dominance for a Korean-language version of Microsoft Word. The deal was deleted after private capital was raised from the nation's indomitable computer buffs.

TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW AWARD To Afghanistan's football players, who after several years' hiatus returned to the pitch in Kabul's stadium. The ruling religious militia, the Taliban, had been filling the 35,000-seat venue to capacity with public punishments including hand amputations, throat slashings, whippings and a shooting. "Executions and punishments here do not mean the Islamic Emirate is not interested in sport," said Mullah Abdul Shukur Motmain, the Taliban's athletics chief. "And I hope the same number of people come to see the matches." Spectators were not allowed to applaud or show any favoritism towards sides. Partisan hooliganism was of course out of the question given the range of penalties.

WHEN HEROES HIT BOTTOM AWARD To former Indian police chief Kanwarpal Singh Gill, who once earned national attention and the nickname "supercop" for putting down a separatist rebellion in Punjab. Gill's reputation waned after he slapped a female bureaucrat on the behind at a cocktail party. He escaped a jail sentence for his indiscretion but was fined for "outraging [the woman's] modesty." Gill was ordered to stop drinking in public as well. Heroes, it seems, may have not only feet of clay but also hands of stone.

CHARLES DARWIN MEMORIAL CUP To Sultan the lowland gorilla (posthumously). Shortly after his introduction to three potential breeding partners at the Kyoto Municipal Zoo, the jungle king pitched face-first into the cement. Preliminary cause of death: heart failure. Sultan "chased the females for a few minutes, but suddenly collapsed forward," said a zoo curator. Not surprisingly, lowland gorillas are an endangered species noted for being difficult to breed in captivity.

ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRITS URN To Kim Sang Guk, who developed a method of making colorful beads out of cremated human remains. The director of a South Korean cultural center, Kim found that corporeal ashes when heated to 2,000 degrees centigrade turned into small, glass-like green balls that "look like jewelry and, like precious stones, can be kept anywhere." Kim came up with the idea in response to a shortage of burial plots in his homeland. The upside: plentiful supply of raw material. The downside: diamonds, not departed ancestors, are a girl's best friend.

ANGELS OF MERCY AWARD To Hong Kong's Pok Oi Hospital, where a patient who was admitted after a heart attack was later found dead, his intravenous drip-feed hooked to a humidifier for moisterizing room air. A nurse not employed by the hospital observed that the mistake was a difficult one to make, "like connecting a water tap to an electric socket." Consumer tip: prior to a Hong Kong hospital stay, ask for a bed located as far from electrical outlets as possible.

FIRST RUNNER-UP To the Taiwan prostitute who stabbed her 70-year-old customer to death because, she later confessed, she could not cope with his excessive sexual demands. The man had taken the Viagra impotence drug, she claimed, and wouldn't let her leave. "It's all Viagra's fault," she said. It's not clear if her alibi will stand up in court.

"AIRPORT! THE DISASTER CONTINUES" OSCAR To the culpable cast of Chek Lap Kok Airport, for whom Opening Day was just a figure of speech. The debut of Hong Kong's $20-billion international airport held a disaster flick's quota of lost baggage, computer meltdowns, inoperable flight information displays, filthy toilets, and unfinished construction. Snafus in cargo processing were so bad that the operation had to be temporarily moved back to the old terminal and took weeks to resolve. The new airport is operating smoothly today, but investigations into the debacle are ongoing.

FIRST RUNNER-UP Malaysia's Kuala Lumpur International Airport, which opened just days before Chek Lap Kok and suffered a massive breakdown in a central computer system. That was fixed quickly, but the shrubbery-filled "airport in a rain forest" included too much wildlife - a rat infestation plagued travelers for weeks. One flight sat for 15 hours while workers ferreted out a stowaway rodent.

SPORTSMEN OF THE YEAR AWARD A tie (hey, it's football) between Thailand and Indonesia. The outcome of their 1998 Tiger Cup match hinged on which team didn't want it badly enough. Neither team came to play; the winner would face powerful Vietnam in the semifinals, and therefore almost certain elimination. In the closing moments of a farcical contest, Indonesia's Mursyid Effendi finally dropped all pretense and broke a level match by blatantly booting the ball into his own goal. Each team was fined $40,000 for "violating the spirit of the game." A small price to pay for sweet defeat.